The Talk
by Phoebe Cloud
Summary: "'Bloody hell, do I need to spell it out? ARE YOU USING PROTECTION' She bellowed the last part, stunning both of the Time Lords into silence." Oneshot, rated for language, SEASON SIX SPOILERS.


**A/N Hello! I should have the next chapter for _Fancy Seeing You Here _up soon. In the meantime, here's a little something I came up with in health class today. :D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who.**

When Rory heard a knock at the door (followed by a squeal of delight from his wife), he knew that today would be the day.

"Roray!"

He squeezed his eyes shut and forced himself out of the chair. This would not be fun.

He and Amy had discussed it previously. After arguing for days, they decided that they would do this together. His stomach in a knot, Rory slowly made his way to the front door. He wanted to delay this for as long as possible.

"Hello!" He greeted, smiling weakly. River pulled him into a hug. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the Doctor hugging Amy. After a moment, they switched, and Rory found himself wrapped in the Time Lord's embrace. He was genuinely pleased to see his daughter and her husband, but the knot in his stomach was growing. Wait, where they even married yet? Could this be an earlier version of River and the Doctor? "Where are we?" He asked as the Doctor released him. He and River shared a Look.

"Have we done Cairo yet?" She asked innocently.

_Ugh._ "'Fraid so," Amy laughed. The Doctor sighed in relief.

"Wonderful!" He exclaimed, rubbing his hands together. "Would it be too much trouble to ask for tea? We picked up jammy dodgers on the way here!"

"Yeah, _picked up_," River muttered. The Doctor looked at as if to say _Sh! What they don't know won't kill them!_

"What do you—no. Never mind. I don't want to know," said Rory.

"Actually, we were hoping we could talk to you two first," Amy responded at the same moment.

Was this really necessary? As if she could read his mind, Amy elbowed him and caught his eye. _Yes it is, stupid_, she seemed to say.

...

"So..." The Doctor trailed off, looking around the kitchen. He wracked his brain for something to say. Anything at all, the smallest comment that would break this awkward silence. It had settled over the table like a foul odor since the four of them sat down.

"What...um...what exactly did you want to talk about, again?" River asked, peeking at the Doctor from the corner of her eye. He looked as clueless as she.

"Well—," Rory began calmly, only to be cut off by Amy.

"We just want what's best for you two!" She cried out suddenly.

"I think I'll go check the post," Rory said, rising from the chair.

"Rory!" Amy warned, pointing to his seat. "Now."

He was already out the door.

"It is _SUNDAY!_" She yelled after him.

"Back in a moment!" He called merrily.

She rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to the couple across from her. Their eyes were fixed expectantly on the ginger. River looked amused; the Doctor just looked lost.

"Honestly, Pond! What's wrong? Are you in trouble?" He leaned forward slightly.

"Sweetie, let her finish," River chided.

Amy shot a dirty look at the door from which Rory had just walked through and took a deep breath. "So much for doing this together," she muttered. "Look," she began, louder this time, "I trust you. _We_ trust you.We know that neither of you would intentionally do something stupid—,"

"Funny!" Rory shouted from just outside the kitchen.

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE CHECKING THE POST!" She shouted back angrily, turning towards the door as she did so. Her response was met with silence. She turned back to the other married couple. "But you're married, and accidents happen."

"What does _that_ have to do with anything?" River asked. "Well...he _did _nearly lose a finger the other day." She looked at the Doctor.

"Shut up, River," he grumbled, trying to hide the color rising in his cheeks. "It was the TARDIS's fault!"

"You know she didn't mean it, Sweetie. You really shouldn't tinker unless it's necessary. She doesn't like it!"

"Well, I'd like to see you do better!" He retorted. Their bickering continued for a moment, until Amy cleared her throat loudly.

"_Ahem!"_

Their heads snapped simultaneously in her direction.

"You're doing a brilliant job, honey!" Came Rory's voice. Amy ignored him.

"Just...promise me that you two will be _careful_." She looked knowingly at River, then the Doctor, who shrugged.

"Well...I guess we could try. I mean...it isn't any fun, but if..."

"Doctor. You _know _what I mean," she said firmly. "_Care_ful."

"I'm sorry, Mum, but we really don't," said River.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," she muttered.

"Amelia!" The Doctor gasped.

"Bloody hell, do I need to spell it out? ARE YOU USING PROTECTION?" She bellowed the last part, stunning both of the Time Lords into silence. After a moment, River started to laugh, quietly at first, until she couldn't control herself.

"Honestly, Pond—," The Doctor paused to gasp for breath over his own laughter,"I'm 909. Did you really think I've never heard of...of...the Birds and the Bees?" His own words sent him back over the edge, and he was sliding down in his chair, his face taking on the appearance of a tomato.

"The Sex Talk!" River gasped. She wiped away the tears streaming down her face. "They're trying to give us the Sex Talk!"

"Hey, laugh now, but you don't what's out there!" Amy said defensively. "Pregnancy, STDs—,"

"Believe me, Amelia," the Doctor cut in. He took a deep breath, regained control. "I think we know quite a bit more than you give us credit for." He looked at River, who was now curled up on the floor in hysterics.

"The Sex Talk!" She said again.

"Fine. Whatever. But," she lowered her voice, wagging a finger in the Doctor's face, "_don't_ say I didn't warn you."

He took her hand and gave it a pat. "That's quite alright, Amelia. I think we'll manage."

In that moment, Rory entered the kitchen, rubbing his hands together. "So!" He said brightly. "Who's for tea?"


End file.
